I just departed from one of my favorite airports in the world, Palm Springs International, en route home to Atlanta. I love everything about that space… the setting, the design, the open air pavilions, and the people watching. It is also just simple and easy to navigate and the staff are always very friendly and kind.
As I reflect on my visit, the first one since 2019, I am overwhelmed with sensations of catharsis, wonder, joy, and transformation.
Why was this my first visit in 5 years?
Let me tell you a story of love, loss, fear, and friendship. A story about the importance of a place in my life journey.
I moved to Los Angeles in 2001 and first visited Palm Springs in 2002. I soon came to realize and appreciate the allure of the desert. Less than 3 hours away, amazing natural scenery, and a strong feeling of spirituality and honor. I also learned about the indigenous natives of the area and the importance of the current day Tribal System and leadership of the Agua Caliente Band of Cahuilla Indians. Palm Springs was also a LGBTQ+ mecca, and I felt safe, seen, and in a community there. I felt history. I felt rested. I used to joke that my blood pressure dropped 20 points when I saw the Morongo Casino on Highway 10 as I approached my exit. I started to spend more time there every year, particularly in the “season” from October to April, when the Coachella Valley came alive with charity events, sporting events, music festivals, and “snowbirds’ from around the world.
Enjoying nature at my most recent visit…
I bought my first weekend house in Palm Springs in 2006 with my partner at the time. I loved the space, a charming 1960s mid-century with a pretty yard and pool and impressive mature native trees, including cactus, ocotillo, and mesquite trees. We had many happy weekends and holidays there with friends and family and we became established in the “weekender” community. We attended charity events, hiked, biked, walked the dogs, and relaxed. It was tranquil and reinvigorating and felt wonderful - until it wasn’t.
You see, that relationship fell apart for a variety of reasons, and as part of the separation, we agreed to sell that home in 2010. It was a painful, complicated, and combative process and I felt I needed some time away from the desert to heal. Palm Springs is a small town, and I felt like a failure. I did not like the idea of being a recently separated single man either. It just felt too exposed. I was vulnerable and I needed to repair my self-esteem. It was the first time I actively stayed away from the desert.
Post that split, my ex actually bought a house and relocated full-time to the desert. It was another wedge in my love affair with the area. It had been such an acrimonious split, I lived in fear of running into him and I actively avoided that confrontation. It was as if he had taken Palm Springs from me, that I had lost it in the break-up. I know that sounds strange, but I struggled with finding the magic of the place I had so dearly enjoyed. I stayed away for over one year.
When I entered a new relationship with the man who would eventually become my husband, we agreed that Palm Springs would be part of our shared story. We were going to write a new narrative, and I was filled with hope and optimism. On a random weekend visit walk, Effie our wire fox terrier, led us to a gorgeous home in Old Las Palmas. It was a neighborhood we loved and an original 1920s Spanish Colonial. It needed everything, and we dove in with both feet, our creative vision, and some wonderful collaborators. After 18 months, we moved into our “dream home” and began to establish ourselves as a couple in Palm Springs. We hosted holidays, birthdays, and school breaks. We were there almost every weekend of the year.
When the Supreme Court granted the Right to Marry, we decided to make our wedding a weekend destination event in Palm Springs. In April 2015, we hosted a magical weekend for family and friends that incorporated the magic of the area. Another PS memory in my story. It was beginning to feel like Home and I thought that house would be in our lives forever. I thought we would ultimately retire there and live full-time in the desert.
I felt at ease there. I felt safe. I felt love.
what a view!
The story was happy and fulfilling until 2018, when my husband began to struggle with the demons of addiction. He became paranoid and reckless and reclusive. He totaled a car and miraculously survived without a scratch. The fairytale was unraveling in front of my eyes and I was losing control. The story was changing in front of my eyes. We tried rehab, therapy, prayer, and nothing seemed to work or stick. At the same moment, Disney was completing its acquisition of 20th Century Fox, and I knew I would be out of a job. Essentially my private and my professional lives were both changing dramatically in ways that were not entirely in my control.
For the second time in my life, it became clear that our relationship was not going to survive the recovery and rehab process. We separated and I agreed to support him unconditionally until he regained his sobriety and found his new path. I realized that meant selling our dream home as part of the settlement. I needed to let go of something special to move forward.
I know how privileged this sounds. Poor Jim, he had to sell his vacation house. This was never about the physical structure. It was about what that space represented to me. It was a manifestation of safety and unconditional love and community, feelings I had been chasing my entire life. Yes, I agree and understand that material possessions and so called “stuff” can all be replaced, but it still hurts to have a dream and vision ripped away so abruptly. Again, the control freak side of my nature was spinning and whirling, and I felt like I needed distance to regain perspective and focus.
So, I stayed away from the Palm Springs area for 5 years, until the last week of October, 2024. It would be a homecoming of sorts, and friends collaborated to create two wonderful events around the book. I had told them I needed a “reason” to visit, not just a vacation. I was kindly offered a guest house, friends arranged dinners, and I dove into planning for my return. I was nervous, excited, and curious about what my emotions were going to do upon arrival. I landed and retrieved my luggage and rental car and drove into the memories headfirst. I met a dear friend immediately for lunch at the Tropicale, an old fave, to begin the reentry. It was amazing. Then, I headed to my friend’s guest house, which was simply amazing. It was feeling good! The weather was stunning, the mountains majestic, and the city felt vibrant.
I had a few setbacks. Driving past the old house was harder than I had imagined. Passing favorite stores or restaurants could be challenging. Palm Springs, however, was shining, and there was enough new construction and change to stimulate my interest and make it feel fresh. In an ironic twist of fate, I turned on the local news to learn that Nancy Pelosi was in town for a fundraiser. They showed pictures of the event and it was at my old house! That one stung a little, but I quickly rebounded and thought “the house is being used for good causes”. The dinners with friends, the coffee conversations, and the reconnection felt so good, it gave me strength to weather the moments of melancholy.
As I flew away from Palm Springs, I felt satisfied with myself, almost proud in a way. I had conquered a fear and insecurity moment, and reconnected with a pretty magical place. I had grown
Was it perfect? Not at all!
Will I go back? Yes!
Will I take Joe (my fiancé) and make new memories? I want to share this special place with him. I cannot wait for the next visit!
Did I learn something new about myself? I did!
Now, what fear do I conquer next??
